Never a Burden

5:58 AM

 
 
 Early this morning, I was deep in a dream that I was diving off a platform into a dark ocean for a dive meet, the judge's silent eyes on me, trying to imprint the premiere moment onto my memory. 

Just then, Milo and 2 of his cousins came clambering out onto the platform because somehow they'd escaped my sister. Suddenly my head came out of the clouds and the judge started telling me to just go quickly when...

I felt a poke. Poke. Poke. On my head. And was immediately snapped out of my deep sleep by Mister Milo, reporting for duty promptly at 6:54 a.m. I tried for 5 more minutes. I tried for "do you want to play with my hair". Want to read a book? No. Want to lay down with me? No. What do you want to do? Play. 

One of my very favorite quotes (by Lynn Robbins) goes: "The way you see a child is the way you treat them, and the way you treat them is what they will become". The amount of influence I hold in my hands in regards to the way my babies feel about themselves and the world fills me sinultaneously with intimidation and peaceful relief. Intimidation because it's a big job, peaceful relief because it's mine to do. 

I knew what I was getting into when I became a mother. I know my life is no longer my own. The only way that I can truly mother and be present to the extent that feels right intrinsically is to be all in, all the time. There are certain words to describe children, and neither convenient nor restful fit into that category. But oh, the light and life and love they give!

For the forseeable future, sleeping in will be a surprise bonus. Grocery trips will involve bribery. Bedtime and dinner will be a rodeo. The house will stay clean for a minute on rare occasion and be in a constant cycle of "somewhat maintained". They will call the shots. I will pull the strings.  We will be dirty. We will be together. We will be happy. 

And when it's time to play at 6:54 a.m., I will say yes. 

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