Raw Motherhood

8:37 AM

If you asked me to describe my motherhood journey right this second in one word, that word would be raw. Right now, we are all about meeting life's necessities. I'm happier and more at peace than I ever thought possible, and I am also quickly realizing that with the blessing of being a mom, I am not my own. This raw life is not at all glamorous, but it's the most beautiful thing I ever could have imagined.

My body is made for caring for these sweet boys. At the end of each day, my arms are shakey from carrying, and my legs are tired from squatting and lifting. Holding, hugging, kissing, nursing, feeding, cooking, dressing, being a human pacifier... That is what my body is for.  

My time is devoted to changing diapers, wiping noses, playing Legos, getting juice, nursing Otto, putting Milo down for his nap (sometimes 5 times), reading books, doing laundry. We spend the morning playing stickers and airplanes and listening for big trucks to watch out the window. We go to the mall to play on the playground, and we walk to the school down the street in the evenings to run around before bed. 

My mind belongs to my boys. Their immediate needs are always forefront on my radar. Anything we need to get done requires planning for both of them. I wake up to demands of juice from one and milk from the other. I go to sleep with one in the room next door and one snuggled up to me. At the end of the day, the mental exhaustion from little sleep and reasoning with a 2 year old all day is so real.

My time, my energy, my love- all theirs. My chair is Milo's chair. My bed is Otto's bed. All of me and anything I use is family property. Things that used to be simple and peaceful- showers, errands, meals, workouts- now require copious amounts of planning, strategically timed between naps and feedings. Night time is for nourishing my tiny munch every few hours and catching just enough sleep to string us along for the next day. 

Clothes turn into burp rags within minutes of putting them on, and more often than not, I leave the shirt on anyways. Treadmill running at naptime is a joke, interrupted multiple times by Milo sneaking up behind me and Otto needing to be soothed back to sleep. My kitchen before dinner time features me either holding/feeding Otto with one arm while cooking with the other, or strapping him in the baby carrier to nurse or sleep while I cook. Eating is the same story. He is quite the sweet kangaroo and always likes to be right up close with momma, and you won't hear me complain about that a bit. After all, I brought him here to be with me.

I'm all theirs for the taking- they can have all of me. And when they have all of me, I'll grow and become more so they can have that too. And even though all of myself is for my little ones, I've never felt more like I've found my identity than I do right now in the trenches. Tiny family life is beautiful chaos, filled with scenes of messy hair and no makeup, late nights and early mornings, snuggles, whining, laughter, singing, crying, teaching and learning, bribing, running around half dressed, messes, and little voices. Amid all the crazy, there is something completely magical about being a mother that makes me excited for each new morning, happy through the constant needing, and going to bed completely fulfilled and grateful each night. These right here are the glory days, and I hope time is gentle to us.

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1 comments

  1. This is beautifully written! I followed you on Instagram because we were around the same week. My son, Jude, was born September 28th. This is my first baby and it is the most beautiful, indescribable feeling I have ever felt. Thank you for putting it into words.
    -Ashley Harris

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