To All My Mommy Heart Friends

7:09 AM

The day we found out- just a little bit excited ;)
When you go through something as unexpected and heart wrenching as infertility, it changes you. Once your heart is set on a baby, you can't ever turn it off I don't think. It's not just a yearning for a little tiny person, or a cute announcement, or fun baby clothes. It's an aching need to place all of your nurture and your love and all your time and energy completely into one tiny thing, to jump in fully and change your entire life and meaning and be a mother. And when suddenly that dream is stifled and suffocated month after month by something that just doesn't make sense, your heart isn't the same.

You start to feel terribly alone and behind. Swimming in a sea of pregnancy announcements, drowning in friends' babies, keeping the tears in until you're out of sight of someone who just told you they're pregnant, staying brave in the face of insensitive comments and unsolicited advice, feeling like nobody understands or can relate, trying to keep the faith and remain positive day after day, that dreaded moment when you've been hoping for weeks that maybe, just maybe this is the time, and you start to feel the cramps set in... I've been there. So many times. Before Milo and before this baby.

We didn't use any form of birth control even once since having Milo. We've been (not so) secretly hoping to get pregnant right away the whole time, and when that didn't happen, we worked very closely and aggressively with a doctor for a year.

There's a darkness that comes with not being able to have babies when your heart is ready. Some days are ok, some days it doesn't consume your thoughts, and other days, there's nothing else in your head. You feel afraid to hope and have faith, because every time you've done that before, you've been let down hard. And then to try again, you have to pick yourself up again pretty quick and talk yourself into the faith and hope over and over, with the caveat that maybe it still won't happen, but just maybe it will. I started to feel like my life was the definition of insanity- trying the same thing over and over with the same result. Spending hundreds of dollars every month on medication to give us the best chances possible, and every time, another no. I felt like a tiny bug that was getting squished over and over, beat down and told no again and again. You can't. You don't get a baby. You can't have this good thing that you want so badly. I felt like my life was on hold, and especially before Milo, as much as I tried to put all my energy and love into my husband and my work, there was a definite void that never went away until he came. This time around, thankfully, I did have my Milo and he sure did get my whole heart all the time. My sweet boy saved me in my darkest times and lifted me out of the pit time and time again.
What I want you to know is that I've been there, twice now. And just because I'm pregnant now doesn't make me forget at all what it feels like. To all my sister friends who are mothers at heart, or working to grow their families, or feeling the pain that comes with baby making that nobody really tells you about, I'm still here and I still get it. Every situation is different, but so many of the feelings are the same. Whether you've been trying to 6 months or a year or 5 years, the need for a baby doesn't change.

If there's one thing I've decided, it's that every baby that makes it here is a miracle. It's really a wonder to me that anyone ever manages to get pregnant. So many things have to go just right, so much timing has to be just so. And somehow, God sends us babies exactly when they are meant to come, and for some of us, not a second sooner. I don't know why some women get pregnant practically by looking at their husband or their 15-year-old boyfriend for that matter, while others hope and pray and make all the right lifestyle changes and it just won't happen. At least not yet. This baby in me is a complete miracle IUI baby. The doctor advised against even doing the procedure because the chances were so awful. But we did it anyway, and we prayed like we've never prayed before. And so did a lot of other people who love us and our family. And for whatever reason, this time was the right time, and here we are.

Keep the faith, even when it's scary and almost impossible. Don't stop trying, don't let go of that piece of you. Don't ice over your need for motherhood. I've been tempted a few times and it was the most empty feeling I've ever had. Keep it alive and keep going. You can do it. And when you can't, pray like crazy and vent to a friend (I'm really good at venting FYI) and cry and punch some pillows and go to sleep and try again tomorrow. There's nothing in the whole world more worth all the pain and heartache and time and energy and money than the little person that comes after, regardless of how it finally happens or how much time it takes.

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  1. Danielle we are so happy for you guys and we know how hard it takes as it took us over 2 years! We just had a baby and an IUI was our key too!

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