To All My Mommy Heart Friends7:09 AM
|The day we found out- just a little bit excited ;)|
You start to feel terribly alone and behind. Swimming in a sea of pregnancy announcements, drowning in friends' babies, keeping the tears in until you're out of sight of someone who just told you they're pregnant, staying brave in the face of insensitive comments and unsolicited advice, feeling like nobody understands or can relate, trying to keep the faith and remain positive day after day, that dreaded moment when you've been hoping for weeks that maybe, just maybe this is the time, and you start to feel the cramps set in... I've been there. So many times. Before Milo and before this baby.
We didn't use any form of birth control even once since having Milo. We've been (not so) secretly hoping to get pregnant right away the whole time, and when that didn't happen, we worked very closely and aggressively with a doctor for a year.
There's a darkness that comes with not being able to have babies when your heart is ready. Some days are ok, some days it doesn't consume your thoughts, and other days, there's nothing else in your head. You feel afraid to hope and have faith, because every time you've done that before, you've been let down hard. And then to try again, you have to pick yourself up again pretty quick and talk yourself into the faith and hope over and over, with the caveat that maybe it still won't happen, but just maybe it will. I started to feel like my life was the definition of insanity- trying the same thing over and over with the same result. Spending hundreds of dollars every month on medication to give us the best chances possible, and every time, another no. I felt like a tiny bug that was getting squished over and over, beat down and told no again and again. You can't. You don't get a baby. You can't have this good thing that you want so badly. I felt like my life was on hold, and especially before Milo, as much as I tried to put all my energy and love into my husband and my work, there was a definite void that never went away until he came. This time around, thankfully, I did have my Milo and he sure did get my whole heart all the time. My sweet boy saved me in my darkest times and lifted me out of the pit time and time again.
If there's one thing I've decided, it's that every baby that makes it here is a miracle. It's really a wonder to me that anyone ever manages to get pregnant. So many things have to go just right, so much timing has to be just so. And somehow, God sends us babies exactly when they are meant to come, and for some of us, not a second sooner. I don't know why some women get pregnant practically by looking at their husband or their 15-year-old boyfriend for that matter, while others hope and pray and make all the right lifestyle changes and it just won't happen. At least not yet. This baby in me is a complete miracle IUI baby. The doctor advised against even doing the procedure because the chances were so awful. But we did it anyway, and we prayed like we've never prayed before. And so did a lot of other people who love us and our family. And for whatever reason, this time was the right time, and here we are.
Keep the faith, even when it's scary and almost impossible. Don't stop trying, don't let go of that piece of you. Don't ice over your need for motherhood. I've been tempted a few times and it was the most empty feeling I've ever had. Keep it alive and keep going. You can do it. And when you can't, pray like crazy and vent to a friend (I'm really good at venting FYI) and cry and punch some pillows and go to sleep and try again tomorrow. There's nothing in the whole world more worth all the pain and heartache and time and energy and money than the little person that comes after, regardless of how it finally happens or how much time it takes.