Somewhere Over the Rainbow

3:10 PM

Today I had one of those super frustrating days where I find out I'm still not pregnant yet again. Last month wasn't too bad. This time for whatever reason, I wanted to crawl into a hole and cry and be left alone and fall asleep so I didn't have to deal with it pretty much all day (can you tell I'm a pro at handling my emotions maturely?). I can always tell when I'm upset about something when I need to run it out outside and I know the treadmill just won't cut it, so today I rolled out in the early morning, ran up and down the streets of my apartment complex, kept swallowing the knot in my throat, and let  the sprinkling rain mix in with the rain coming out of my eyes. I got as many endorphins pumping as I possibly could, because I knew that would help the most out of all my options. And I saw a rainbow, and I felt a little better and a little less alone.

Here's the thing. I have a perfect, beautiful baby. I'm so spoiled, and so enamored with this little munch. And now that I know what it's like to carry my favorite little person around with me on the inside for 9 months and then on the outside forever after that, it's all I want. And I'm trying to take my time this time (even though I wanted them as close together as humanly possible, I'm accepting that every month is one month closer). But this month I really thought it would work. And what's more is that I was doing the same fertility treatments on the same days as I did with Milo, to the day. The due dates would have been the same. I had high hopes for this one.

One of my hardest things to learn is faith in God's timing. I know things will happen on His timetable, and I know it will happen. But sometimes I wish I could see when and how, and that's what's hard about this situation. I just wish I knew why it wasn't time yet, because I'm pretty sure it's a great time! Oh, my little mind... I know it will all make sense someday, but I wish it didn't have to hurt so much. 

Today I'm letting myself hurt, because sometimes you just need to let yourself feel. Or take a 2 hour nap so you can take a complete break from feeling. It's striking me pretty hard this time, and I just need to regroup. I came home from work early and kissed my babe as many times as humanly possible. He's beautiful. He's everything. I really can't get enough of him, and I'm so, so lucky I got him. I'm also pretty sure that the most awesome thing I could give him in life is a sibling, and therein lies the pain of today.
I'm one of those people who tends to feel intensely. My heart aches and yearns and it can be a blessing and a curse. Today it's a little bit of both, and I'll be glad for tomorrow when it's not "day 1" anymore and we can start figuring out this month's plan of action. But sometimes you just need to take a day, and today, I'm thankful I can do that with my Milo. It's just what we need to regroup. <3

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4 comments

  1. Oh buddy. This was my day exactly. And I was just feeling guilty about getting nothing done today but sweating out my frustration at the gym. But it's true!!! Some days you just need to take a minute (or a day) to let yourself hurt. And then you can move on. Thanks for reminding me that I'm still alright. :) love you!

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  2. So sorry that you are going through this right now. Thoughts and prayers that yours are answered. Hang in there!

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  3. Life is hard! I'm glad you realize that too.

    And it's hard for all of us in different ways. Sometimes you just have to cry. Wish I was there so I could give you a hug.

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