Lots of Babies: A Disclaimer

8:12 PM

If you haven't figured it out by now, I have a habit of oversharing and running my mouth about my personal life. I have a feeling it drives plenty of people crazy/ drives plenty of people to think I'm crazy (but let's be honest, I'm not denying it ;)). All I can say is there's more where that came from in the days and months and years to come. I like to talk about my feelings and thoughts and experiences to people that I know, and I've always been an open book. Having a sounding board does a lot for me, and I appreciate the reassurance and support that we can offer each other. And I think that we can help each other through experiences and life and all our mutual craziness. And really, if I'm going to go through life, I'd rather have a village, you know?

That being said, one of my main points of mouth running is BABIES! I love them. And I want a small army of them. And I don't even want to think about how many people I've told every detail of my baby longing to. You see, I am aware that I have a pretty large chip on my shoulder about fertility. It took a long time to get Milo on the way (and my definition of a long time surely pales in comparison to many people's struggles!), and it was probably the most excruciating thing I've been through for a number of reasons. All the events and experiences surrounding that time in my life all seemed to culminate in serious emotional distress and more heartache than I can put into words. I had people tell me left and right to enjoy sleep while I can, to be careful what I wish for, not to rush things, and every other cliche offering of advice you tell someone struggling with fertility, because, what are you supposed to say? And I'll be the first to tell you that I still have yet to find the silver lining from that experience, except that 1- Milo came when he was meant to, and 2- I love him more than I could have ever imagined. I also have never once wished I could go back to sleeping in until 11 a.m. because I didn't have a baby, even for a day.

The next piece of this baby story, of course, is the part where I assure you that I'm not in love with Milo and motherhood in a "yay me, I'm so awesome" kind of way. Generally in life, I'm TERRIBLE with change. I do not cope well. But this is the one change I was so much more than ready for. I had time to think about what motherhood would imply. I had experiences that prepared me for the reality. And I had a breaking heart because every day as I got ready for work, all I wanted was to be a mom. And every day since I've had Milo, I've had a hundred reaffirmations that I was born for this. This is my point in life. There is nothing that has ever been more fulfilling to me or natural to me than to be a mother, and for that I am so thankful. So many things don't come naturally to me, and I was afraid that this wouldn't, and I thank God every day that it actually did, probably more so than anything I've ever done in my life.
Now when I say that it actually came naturally to me, please don't misunderstand. This doesn't mean I'm a natural at being a perfect, amazing mom who grows her own organic applesauce in the backyard and only uses clouds for cloth diaper inserts. I mean natural in the sense that I want to just be with that boy, all day, every day, and tell him I love him 100 times before 10 a.m. and be the one who gets up with him in the night because then I get bonus kisses. My heart literally aches when I look at my little man. I was afraid that feeling of awe would fade after a few weeks, or months, or that I'd have to force it. And it hasn't faded, and I haven't had to force it. And I never, ever want that piece of me to go away. I feel like that is a special gift that came from above, and THAT is why I want a house full of little Hansens.

I often realize just how non-glamourous Motherhood can be. I know I only have one baby right now, but I realize already that diapers and spills and pukes and loads of laundry can add up really quickly. And I've been tired. So, so tired. Plenty of times. And this is only with one! I'm far from the perfect mom that has it all together, and I spend a majority of the time in sweat pants. But I've never felt more beautiful than I do with a baby on my hip. I feel like I'm on top of the world with this little one. He is me. We don't go anywhere without each other. He wants me and I want him. We are inseparable and best friends and I wouldn't have it any other way.
I could ramble forever, but there's too much. Motherhood is so many posts for so many days. But right now, I mostly just wanted to explain that when I say I want 7 or maybe 10 or 12 kids, I mean it. And I also know that when and how those babies get to me isn't always in my hands, but in my 23 year old new momma heart, that's what I really want out of life, whether or not it happens. And hear me when I say that for now, I am so much enjoying my one tiny sweet happy little baby :).

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  1. This is precious! I totally get what you're saying! I'm surprised to say that we don't want as many kids as we thought we did.... Well... I've never seen myself having a huge family but Eric always wanted a lot. A LOT!! But we feel like we just won't be having more than 3 or 4. That could always change, of course! But gosh, I LOVE it! I love being a mom and I love that that feeling comes totally natural to me!
    You're an amazing mom!! I love you love for Milo!

  2. Cheeks!! I want to squeeze them so badly!